Blades of Glory

The S-Man and I took in the latest Will Ferrell movie, “Blades of Glory”, practically the day it was released on DVD.

Loaded with cameos by legendary figure skaters like Dorothy Hamill, Bryan Boitano, Sasha Cohen, Nancy Kerrigan, and Peggy Fleming to name a few, and gobs of insider cracks, "You started working with that Ukrainian skater, you know, the one that looks like Elvis?? And I moved to the Ukraine, and it was cold, and everyone had guns and smelled like soup." This film is a send-up so specific to the sport that I'm surprised it got produced at all.

Ferrell plays the heinously heterosexual (fyi…often the exception rather than the rule in this sport) Chazz Michael Michaels, a skater who shoots actual flames from his fingertips at the end of each routine. His nemesis, Jimmy MacElroy, played by John Heder, is your stereotypical “good boy” skater. Big-haired and blonde, almost every single bit of clothing worn by Jimmy MacElroy is covered in sparkly sequins.

When these two face off in Stockholm at the Olympics and end up in a wrestling match on the medal podium, they are banned from the sport.

Until a technicality in the rulebook allows them to mount a comeback.

As the first male-male figure skating pairs team.

Together, Chaz and Jimmy face Fairchild Van Waldenberg and Stranz Van Waldenberg, psychotic brother/sister pairs skaters played right-on by Amy Poehler of SNL fame and Will Arnett who I’ve never noticed before.

There’s also a subplot involving Jenna Fischer, but it’s really not that interesting.

Overall, not every single second of this movie hilarious? And I can’t give it an across-the-board recommendation? But if you think Will Ferrell is even remotely funny? And you have watched figure skating at all? You owe it to yourself to rent this movie.

Trust me.

Technically, I suppose, Blades of Glory is a send up of the international figure skating scene in just the same way The Ballad of Ricky Bobby was a send up of NASCAR. But we don’t watch NASCAR in this house and we don’t watch movies about NASCAR in this house because NASCAR is so wildly offensive to me that I simply can’t even BEAR it in any way shape or form.

Just ask the S-Man, nothing gets me going as fast as when we accidentally catch some snippet of NASCAR news or clip in which some boob of a sportscaster starts referring to NASCAR drivers as athletes, for God’s sake. Athletes! It makes me CRAZY I swear to GOD. Oh, yah, Dale Earnhart, Jr. totally compares to Roger Federer or Michael Jordan or Mary Lou Retton, or Apollo Ono or fill-in-the-blank.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say the entire spectacle of NASCAR should be illegal. NASCAR is not about striving for excellence in physical conditioning, its about a bunch of testosterone-ridden weenies driving around in a circle REALLY FAST until somebody 1) crashes 2) dies 3) crosses the finish line and gets to kiss a girl with big boobs. This...this is not a sport, people! It is many things: bad for the planet, stinky, stupid expensive, dangerous, irresponsible, but sport? Sport it is not. I’m sorry.

Okay, I’m taking a deep breath here, and we’re moving on.

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes. Blades of Glory. Very funny if you’re a figure skating fan. And fairly funny even if you’re not.