Double Toothpicks

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. Mine and the S-Man’s wedding anniversary. Eleven years of wedded bliss today. Yes, eleven long years since we stood in the swampy home office of Justice-of-the-Peace and tax preparer Mr. Conger, and alternately giggled (both of us) and sobbed (just me) our way through our vows. I would post a picture of the event here, but by mutual agreement we’ve made sure there was no visual record of the incident.

Long time readers will recall that, on our tenth anniversary, it took me almost as many days of near constant public whining in this blog to move my loving husband to purchase me a proper gift in exchange for a decade of weathering this stormy union. Eventually though, he caught on and a proper gift was given. While he may be distracted, the S-Man isn’t stupid.

Which leads us to today’s order of business. I’ll admit, I was caught a bit unawares by this particular anniversary. Since it’s not a milestone, I didn’t realize it was upon us until I was reminded by the most unlikely of sources. Satan himself. As we checked out at Kroger yesterday and he was writing the check we had this exchange:

SATAN
(writing the check)
Well. You know what today is, don’t you?

ME

Yah. August first.

SATAN
Isn’t this….?

ME
Right…our anniversary! No, but almost. Now that you mention it, it’s tomorrow.

SATAN
Isn’t it today?

ME

(to the cashier)
What did you say the date was again?

CASHIER
The first.

ME
(turning to Satan)

Yah. It’s tomorrow.

So, I guess you have some elaborate romantic surprise arranged for me?

SATAN
How many years is it now?

ME
(not responding)

SATAN
Fifty?

ME
Funny.

SATAN
Seventy-five?

CASHIER & GROCERY BAGGER BOY

(giggling)

ME
Double toothpicks. As in H-E-double toothpicks?

SATAN
You can say that again.

ME
Ain’t it the truth.

Ah, yes. Hopeless romantics, the both of us. But, seriously, the S-Man does tend to (occasionally) take a (much needed) beating in this here online forum of mine. And so today on a very special hellacious double-toothpick anniversary, I am going to list the Top Five Great Things About Being Married to Satan. It would be a Top Ten List, but come on, we’re talking about Satan here.

Here goes:

#5 Holy crap, is the S-Man ever handy! This is a guy who can fix anything. Anything. Never under estimate the power of a handy man, girls.

#4 The S-Man is incredibly well read. What good does this do me you ask? It just makes me feel better. A lot better.

#3 The S-Man is smart. Really smart. (This is also, unfortunately, number three on the top five worst things about being married to Satan.)

#2 He makes me laugh.

#1 When the going gets tough? The S-Man is not a flincher. And while this doesn’t exactly help on a day-to-day basis? There’s just no substitute for this quality at those times when a girl really needs it. Like, say, when she quits her high paying job and then proceeds to write in her blog all day.