It Had to Happen (the cell phone call from the S-Man)

In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
-Andy Warhol
***

(ring)
ME
Hello?

SATAN
Lies! Lies! Lies!

ME
Ah, you’ve seen the paper?

SATAN
It’s just all a BIG FAT lie.

ME
Listen, I really can’t talk right now. I’m famous .

SATAN
YOU KNOW I don’t vet everything you write about me!

ME
(heavy sigh)
Of course you do. All the major pieces, at least.

SATAN
It’s just NOT true! I’m asking for a retraction…

ME
What was that? Just a second, I’m getting another call…

SATAN
Who is it?

ME

My public, of course.

SATAN
Oh, for the love of God…

ME
Gotta go…
(click)

***

I figure it’s just a matter of time until, like poor misunderstood Lindsay Lohan, I’ll start menacing people by tailgating them in my Subaru while wearing somebody else’s pants and then I’ll,

“Need to get away from everyone”

but then, unfortunately, I

“won’t know how”.

And when that day comes? Look for me in the bathroom. Because, usually? I am alone in there.

It’s just a little emergency plan you need to have in place when you’re famous so they don’t send you off to rehab all of a sudden like.