Beware The Temp

As someone who worked with her (satanic) spouse for years, I was interested to read this Yahoo! article on Tips for Married Co-Workers.

While it’s all very sound advice, “institute a hands-off policy from 9 to 5” and, “the office cafeteria is not the place to re-hash a weekend fight”, I’m not sure how realistic it is for two people so intimately involved to really keep their work and home life separate unless you really are Ozzie and Harriet.

I’m not saying it isn’t possible, mind you, because make no mistake, the S-Man and I managed to do it, it’s just that it is in the end, if you’re high strung like the two of us, a very tiresome trick to keep pulling off. What ultimately starts out as harmless grab-ass in the broom closet can all too quickly descend into hysterical spouses wildly frisbeeing CD Rom’s at each other’s heads at top speed and with deadly intent. (That last incident happened while everyone else was at lunch and the former never happened. I don’t know what you’re talking about.)

Of course, everyone’s reaction to having a relationship with a co-worker is that it’s just plain stupid. And, you’re so right, it totally is. I don’t recommend it.

However, much like Ross Gellar from the sitcom “Friends” famously screeching over and over, “We were ON A BREAK!”, my only defense is, “He was a TEMP…A TEMP!” And he was a temp (“A TEEEEEMP!”). The S-Man started out at my workplace as a temp who was to have a six month stint as a (PART-TIME, mind you) temporary co-worker and that’s all.

What’s the harm in a little happy hour? I says to myself. And then, what’s the big deal about dinner? I says. We’ll take in a movie, I says. HE’S A TEMP! I says.

Next thing you know, I’m at the swampy home of a Justice of the Peace in Paris, Tennessee saying “I do”.

To The Temp.

We’re not totally crazy, we knew it was a bad idea when the S-Man snagged a full-time position in my department, to continue seeing each other. We had telephone conversations (keep in mind, this was PRE-cell phone) like this:

(phone rings)

ME
Hello?!

SATAN
Hello?!

ME
Hello?!


SATAN
What’s for dinner?

ME
Congrats on the new job.

SATAN
Thanks. So, what time are you coming over?

ME
I’m not. We can’t keep seeing each other.

SATAN
Why not?

ME
Stop it.

SATAN
(sighs)

ME
I can’t keep dating you. You know this. We WORK TOGETHER.

SATAN
So we won’t date during working hours.

ME
I’m serious! This is driving me nuts. We have to stop.

SATAN
(sighs again.)
Well. Okay.

ME
I’m glad you understand.

SATAN
See you at six?

ME
Six-thirty.

And on it went. Things just kept getting more and more difficult and complicated. So, naturally, we got married. Oh yah! Did we FIX that problem OR WHAT?!

Anyway, I think we can all agree that I’m better qualified to write a list of top-ten tips for married co-workers. So here you go (and remember, it's worth what you paid for it).:

1. Get another job.

2. Failing that, get a divorce.

3. When you’re in your respective cars driving to the office (because no one knows you’re married) and you’re racing to see who gets to the office parking lot first? Watch out for the cops. They give tickets for that sort of thing.

4. While it may SEEM like to really good idea to flip your wife’s skirt up over her waist in the stairwell? Don’t give in to temptation. Often times, the boss unexpectedly enters said stairwell through another door. And gets way too much information.

5. Give up on the idea that you can boss your wife around. Even if you are her boss. It just doesn’t work that way, son.

6. Remember to remember your co-worker wife on Valentine’s Day. Otherwise? While all the other ladies are sporting fresh flowers on their desks and your wife’s desk has the same old dusty paper clips and stapler? It’s going to be a really long day.

7. Feel like making fun of your spouse’s idea in a meeting? Not smart. It’s going to be a really long week.

8. Avoid riding the elevator alone together. This, trust me, is a recipe for disaster.

9. In case you’re wondering? If you piss off your co-worker wife REALLY bad and she controls you getting your mail AND your phone calls? You might seriously not get either. For a very long time. Who you gonna tell, suckah?

10. When that inevitable CD Rom frisbeeing incident happens (and it will, oh, yes, it will) be sure to be near a four drawer filing cabinet you can duck behind. Otherwise, you’ll need to keep a supply of bandages on hand.