Putting the Golden in Golden Arches

After a seemingly unending drive on Highway 45, we finally made it home.

I'd like to say the trip was uneventful, but unfortunately, a little incident in Jackson, Tennessee makes that statement impossible.

And let me preface this by saying that the S-Man and I? We don't eat at MacDonald's very often. In fact, we almost never indulge in fast food so maybe we were a little unprepared for our Jackson, Tennessee MacDonald's experience.

Actually, we had planned to eat at a Thai restaurant that we had enjoyed on the initial leg of the trip thru Jackson. Unfortunately, we found the place randomly closed, so we had resigned ourselves to something cheap and fast that would allow us to press on quickly.

The MacDonald's in question was one of the those with a "Fun" land in an enclosed glass case attached to the front of the restaurant. A really old Funland that had been faded by years in the sun and years of abuse by bacteria ridden toddlers. In fact, the S-Man and I were speculating on just how often the dedicated employees of MacDonald's might wipe down such a contraption to at least, on occassion, minimize the germs.

Yah, we laughed too.

Inside the restaurant at the counter, we gave our order to the almost motionless counter girl who is clearly annoyed that: a) We are there. b) We expect food. and c) We do insist on her preparing the drinks we ordered (heavy sigh on that one).

Eventually we (heavy sigh) get our food, find a seat, and begin choking down our dinners when it happens. A large woman of about thirty with a bowl hair cut that also happens to be giggling wildly charges into the restaurant from Funland. She runs toward our table still in paroxyms of laughter and, I immediately notice as she passes by, that she is leaving a trail of pee in her wake. By the time she arrives at the door of the ladies room, it looks like a faucet has been turned on between her legs and I can actually see a stream shooting out the back. The BACK.

Go ahead on and read that again if you need to, I'll wait.

The S-Man, who while he saw the rather strange sight of the charging lady, did not appreciate, shall we say, the full magnitude of the problem. He is still gnawing on his reconstituted chicken product when he notices I haven't chewed in a really long time.

SATAN
What?

ME
(watching, speechles, as the restroom door closes behind pee-pee lady)

SATAN
Hey! What's the matter?

ME
That lady that just ran buy?

SATAN
(chuckling)
She's a little old for Funland, huh?

ME
Yah, and she must have been having a lot of fun. Because she was peeing.

SATAN
She wasn't peeing.

ME
Trust me, the woman was peeing. Like a geyser.

SATAN
(realizes I'm not kidding)

BOTH OF US
(Stare at each other in horror.)

SATAN
(Unable to help himself, confirms by looking that, yes, there is a pee trail in the aisle next to our table.)

ME
(Still not chewing.)

SATAN
Pick up your cheeseburger.

ME
But...

SATAN
PICK. UP. YOUR. CHEESEBURGER.

ME
(I pick up my cheeseburger.)

SATAN
Okay, we're moving.

ME
(I begin to stand...)

SATAN
And for God's sake...DON'T! Step in the pee.

ME
Yah. I get that part, thanks.

We carefully make our way to the extreme other side of the restaurant where we finish what we can of our dinners. Eventually, pee-pee lady emerges from the restroom, still snickering. By now her what look to be thin cotton pants (that are lime green, by the way) are completely, COMPLETELY drenched. It's as if she submerged herself from the waste down in a swimming pool. Evidently, actually pulling down her pants in the restroom wasn't in the plan.

I don't have a snappy ending for this other than to say that it will be a while, if ever, before we visit another MacDonald's. And, also, I'm sorry to subject you to this but, damn, what good is a blog if you can't write about it when a giggling woman takes a whiz all over the MacDonald's lobby? [Edited to add: Hey, maybe her pants were drenched because she rinsed them out? Yah, that's it, she rinsed them out.]