A Tiny Powertale

Once upon a time there was a girl named Suzanne who really, REALLY liked girly stuff. She hosted tea parties with her stuffed animals. She twirled a baton. Later, she became a wildly enthusiastic cheerleader. As she grew older, this bent toward the girly turned into desire for a wide variety of make-ups and, especially a penchant for GOOD perfume. (She honed her nose for scent at the mall counters dousing herself with many samples leading her father to wonder, upon picking her up at said mall later that day, and catching a whiff of her ten-year-old self wafting from the back seat, if there was a “whore in the car”.)

Eventually, her girliness lead her to be attracted to shiny things. Sequins. Glitter. Precious gem stones. Tiaras. If she had been a fish? She wouldn’t have lasted long in the pond if a sparkly hook were dropped into the water.

But then one day Suzanne found herself on her own all alone with a sack of Bath and Body Works Wallflowers. A product that, while it smells REALLY good, is super hard to open (they have plastic twist-tops). And, being all alone (did I mention?), with no burly person to turn to for assistance and unable to budge the twist tops and fulfill her critical need to fill her house with the luscious scent of amber, she began casting about for a solution to the problem.

And, lo, she realized she had made off (accidentally of course) with one of the ex-man’s (many) toolboxes inside of which she found hammers and pliers and…vice-grips! Unsure of how the vice-grips worked, she nevertheless uncertainly applied them to the stubborn twist tops and…voila!

Suddenly? Through the magic of tools? Suzanne had the strength of a burly person all by herself.

And she liked it.

Soon she was pilfering through the toolbox on a regular basis. When she bought new glasses with annoying gummy price tags glued to the bottom? She scraped the offending tags off with the retractable razor blade tool thingy she found. When she painted a room? She hammered the paint can lid back on with the rubber mallet. When she needed to remove the switch plate covers? She found an oh so satisfying assortment of screwdrivers (so much more handy than a butter knife, as it turned out), one of which had a head that fit right into the screws. When she wanted to switch out her dresser pulls? Yep. The discovery of a level led to an hour of applying it to the top of every hung picture and adjusting the frame to PERFECT level…so satisfying.

Soon Suzanne was haunting the tool aisles whenever she was at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Mooning after the laser levels quickly led to…

The Power Tool Aisle.

That’s right. Dewalt. Bosch. Makita. Pretty much? Suzanne quickly calculated that a tool from any of the major lines could boost her strength to that of a couple of burly people. At very least. Best of all? Power Tools aren’t just built for burly people any more. Most every line now carries…

[insert chorus of heavenly angels]

…Tiny. Power. Tools.

Cordless and mighty, but small enough to comfortably right into the palm of her very own hand, Suzanne, the girly-girl, soon began to contemplate the possibilities inherent in owning her own Tiny Power Tool. Specifically, her affections were quickly drawn to the cutest Tiny Power Tool of all, the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver, baby. As soon as she hefted the tiny snub-nosed floor sample from its holder and the James Bond theme song quickly unspooled in its entirety in her head, she knew it was Meant to Be.

She needed a Tool. A Power Tool.

She pressed the power button and the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver sprang to life in her hand, its super-efficient motor winding up instantly….zzzzzzzzzzzzing!…it sang.

She let off the power, spun around and, lightening quick, pointed the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver at a little old lady far down the aisle obliviously contemplating the cabinet hardware. Suzanne pulled the trigger again… zzzzzzzzzzzzing!… the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver instantly responded.

Why she could have a switch plate off the wall in under five seconds! With the addition of one of those mixer blade thingys, she could have a can of paint stirred quicker than you could say, ‘Maybelline Great Lash’ (if you still used MGL, which of course, Suzanne does not). Why she could…she could…install curtain rods at every window…IN A SINGLE DAY.

“May I help you,” the voice of the Lowe’s guy startled her.

“Um…yes, how much is this?” Suzanne held up the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver.

Over a hundred clams, as it turned out. More than her budget could stand at the moment thanks to her most recent binge at the Lancome counter. Reluctantly, Suzanne replaced the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver in it’s holster…um…or holder, rather.

Turns out, the cost didn’t stop her from visiting.

It was one day in the power tool department a few weeks later, in fact, that she was visiting the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver and having an especially satisfying Travis Bickle moment:

“You tawkin’ ta me?”

zzzzzzzzzzzzing!

“Hey! You takwkin’ ta…me?!”

zzzzzzzzzzzzing!

(By this time the Lowe’s sales people were leaving Suzanne alone).

Suddenly, Suzanne’s cell phone rang.

SUZANNE

Hello?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON
Hello?

SUZANNE

Hello? (zzzzzzzzzzzzing!)

UP

What's that noise?

SUZ

You mean this noise? (zzzzzzzzzzzzing!)

UP
Yah. THAT noise.

SUZ

Why...(zzzzzzzzzzzzing!)...that would be the the Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver.

UP

YOU have a Bosch 10.8 Volt Litheon I-Driver?

SUZ

Nope. But I visit one (zzzzzzzzzzzzing!)

UP

You visit one?

SUZ

(zzzzzzzzzzzzing!) Yep. At Lowe's.

UP

God help us all.

SUZ

(zzzzzzzzzzzzing!)

And so it happened that a week or so after that, the Fed Ex guy turned up on Suzanne's doorstep bearing a Very Special Package.

That's right, people.

Fear me. I have a Power Tool.

But not just a Power Tool.

A Power Tool, and? New Highlights....

MWWAAAHAHAHAAA....

zzzzzzzzzzzzing!