Jon and Kate Plus 8 Plus Anybody but Themselves...

I touched briefly in a recent post on the fact that the first full episode of JK8 chronicled Kate's birthday celebration. I neglected to mention at that time what most of you've probably already learned: that the episode featured the cast of Food Network show show Ace of Cakes, actually the staff of Charm City Cakes, hosting Kate and the Gosselin kids at the bakery. The AofC folks made Kate an amazing pink concoction of a birthday cake and offered the kids a chance to get their hands dirty by decorating eight mini-cakes of their own. Filming, mess, and frosting mayhem ensued. It was a cute concept and took advantage of a great opportunity, I thought. For brief moments, I was able to take my mind off the tragedy that is JK8. For minutes, I could be glad that somebody cared about Kate's birthday, even if her husband didn't.

And then there was episode 2: the 100th episode. This episode found J&K actually home at the same time in the same house celebrating the milestone. With Emeril Lagasse. Yah...BAM!...that guy. The New Orleans chef who burst on the scene some time in the nineties, landed a cooking show, used a lot of garlic, exchanged his starter wife for a trophy wife, and was last seen doing a toothpaste commercial, just sort of randomly showed up in the Gosselin kitchen. There was a flimsy backstory told about how Lagasse was once on an elevator with the Gosselins and, ever since, has harbored a burning desire to cook them dinner (and then eat said dinner with them). And, wow, what do you know, it's a dream come true, the day has finally come! Jon and Kate were actually both in the kitchen at the same time ostensibly helping with the cooking--some sort of stew--cajun, I'm guessing. The whole thing was...uncomfortable. Kate whacked Emeril two good smacks on two separate occasions (on the arm and hand) with a spatula. Emeril didn't take to kindly to the smacking. Jon doesn't like Kate. Jon peeled garlic for the majority of the episode. The kids stirred food sometimes. The gaiety was noticeably forced.

And then. And then. Ya'll? Episode three. You won't believe it, but the cast of American Chopper shows up at the Gosselin house:

American Chopper is reality TV that not even I can watch. It's all about the group of, um, people, you see above repairing (or refurbishing or whatever, building?) motorcycles. The few moments I've watched of the show before flipping on quickly to something else (or commercials) consists of these guys engaging in arguments featuring language so foul that the show's "bleep" button is near-constantly employed. These people sling and throw tools (big tools) violently around their motorcycle shop and at each other. It's all about testosterone. Big, crazy, agressive testosterone.

Episode three features Crazy Testosterone Man in the visor seated at a picnic table with all the innocent, defenseless Gosselin children (look out little Alexis!). Conveniently, CTM has brought his ventriloquist doll and is entertaining the children with it. I think the premise is that he do this while Jon go off with the rest of the Chopper cast and do something manly. Based on my internet research, I believe the episode ends up like this:

I'm just...so embarassed for them. (Not to mention? HELLO? You have eight kids, wear a helmet, fools.)

Whatever happened to going to Chocolate Land? What about that? Whatever happened to just hanging out in the driveway? Maybe a trip to Disneyland? The episode where Jon cooks Korean food? The episode where Kate gets mother's day breakfast in bed? What about "movie night" with popcorn and stuff? Can't we just stay home and play with the dogs and have chicken noodle soup?

Full disclosure: I have not actually seen Episode Three. It airs June 15.

As you might imagine, I'm a little worried about Episode 4. I'm having visions of "Susan Boyle: Gosselin Houseguest". Perhaps the Gosselin children will have a sleepover in Texas with "The Little Couple" (they would all be nearly the same size-woo!). Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar ("18 Kids and Counting") could pay the Gosselins a visit. The Gosselin sextpulets could take turns playing house in Michelle's outsized uterus whilst the couple offers Jon and Kate some conservative marriage counseling. The disturbing reality TV crossover possibilities are endless (LA Ink?).

Thirty. Six. episodes to go.