It is Wednesday night. I’m not feeling good about. Well…Things That Cannot be Spoken of in the Blog. MisterT and I are at the bar in the kitchen eating a delightful dinner of soup and salad that I have prepared.
ME
Oh….WOE is me woe is me I’ve got Problem A and Problem B and, boy does it ever suck!
MISTERT
(eating salad)
ME
I tell you, I cannot stand Problem A OR Problem B for another second!
MISTERT
(eating soup)
ME
I’m going to take drastic, DRASTIC action about Problem A and Problem B just any minute. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM!
MISTERT
(back to the salad)
ME
Oh, WOE IS ME! These problems are overwhelming and life altering and I’m dying inside. DYING. INSIDE.
MISTERT
(sips his tea)
ME
Maybe you didn’t hear me? In fact, I’M SURE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME. I’m DYING INSIDE. ME. INSIDE. DEAD.
MISTERT
(Pats my shoulder).
Wow, that’s really too bad.
ME
HEY! Listen. I’m not kidding here. Soon I will be taking DRASTIC ACTION C. I will! Drastic Action C! It will happen!
MISTERT
Wow, Drastic Action C, huh? That sounds serious. Is there anything I can do to help with Drastic Action C?
ME
Oh, FUNNY! HELLO? I am SERIOUS. This would be ME being SERIOUS.
The phone rings. I grab it in mid-screech.
ME
HELLO?!
TELEMARKETER
May I please speak to the male of the house?
ME
Say WHAT?
TELEMARKETER
May I please speak to the male of the house?
ME
Let me get this STRAIGHT. YOU, a telemarketer, DO NOT want to speak to ME.
TELEMARKETER
I’m sorry ma’am, but this is a health insurance survey for the male of the house.
ME
NOT TONIGHT IT’S NOT, B---H!
(I slam the phone down)
MISTERT
(snickering)
ME
The TELEMARKETERS don’t even want to talk to me! NO! I am not GOOD ENOUGH for the telemarketers! Here I am STRUGGLING with Problem A and Problem B and EVEN CONSIDERING DRASTIC ACTION C and, along with being IGNORED by my HUSBAND, I am simultaneously being REJECTED by TELEMARKETERS?! Can I make this SH** UP? No, NO I CANNOT!
MISTERT
Sounds like a blog post.
ME
SHUT. UP. YOU.
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