Boobs Gone Wrong

I should begin by saying this commentary is a full four days overdue, and people way more qualified than me have had their say. Look at the bright side--I'm not going to bitch about my homework for a third day in a row. And I could people, I so could!

No, it appears I'm going to have to get this "off my chest" as it were.

The photo above is, of course, of Sarah Jessica Parker in her Oscar get-up. A frock that drove me absolutely INSANE every time I saw the woman on my TV screen. Because riddle me this:

How are her nipples staying INSIDE that gown? HOW!!!!????

Honestly, I was a nervous wreck by the end of the night for worrying that, indeed, one of SJP's girls was going to make a break for it at any second complete with ::BOING:: side-effect and just be RIGHT THERE, like Hello America!! And then I would have to personally die of empathetic embarrassment and third-hand humiliation, the victim of a cringe spasm so violent that it could actually be measured on the Richter scale.

Hello Sarah Jessica? An evening gown is just supposed to be pretty, 'k? Just nice and lovely and you are to just inspire admiration and evoke happy smiles when wearing it. If your gown obviously requires, say, an actual certified engineer armed with a slide-rule and six rolls of duct tape or, alternatively, the temporary surgical removal of your nipples until Monday, it is not an evening gown anymore. It's a mistake.

For instance, here's a girl working an evening gown:

BAM! Natalie Portman. See what I'm saying? It's pretty. It's drape-y. SHE'S pretty. The dress is strapless but not threatening. I'm not worried about her when she's on screen. I'm not concerned that any of her intimate body parts are going to break loose and poke someone's eyeball out on national television. It's just...nice. Very, very nice. Calming, even. (And that color is fabulous on her.)

In conclusion, SJP, let's review. In the immortal words of Irving Berlin (and he should know) "A pretty girl is like a melody". And most certainly NOT like, say, the Brooklyn Bridge which, while an engineering marvel, is still not an appealing date for the Oscars.