Destiny Calling

(In the car)

SATAN
I’m stopping off at the Cingular store to see what they can do for me and my cell phone problem.

ME
Okay, maybe I’ll check about my phone too. It’s pretty old.

(In the store)

CINGULAR GUY
So…what can I do for you?

SATAN
I dropped my phone and the front screen is cracked and not working.

CINGULAR GUY
Can I see it?

SATAN
(Hands him the phone).

CINGULAR GUY
Yep, it’s broken.

SATAN
Thanks for the news flash.

CINGULAR GUY
How long have you had it?

SATAN
Six or seven months.

CINGULAR GUY
Got insurance?

SATAN
No

CINGULAR GUY
I’m afraid you’ll have to buy another phone.

SATAN
How much?

CINGULAR GUY
$300

SATAN
Okay, that’s ridiculous. So, I’m just screwed here?

CINGULAR GUY
Have you had the phone for twelve months yet?

SATAN
No, six or seven.

CINGULAR GUY
Can’t help you.

SATAN
You’ve got to be kidding me…

CINGULAR GUY
It’s really not up to me (pointing at the Cingular logo on his shirt).

SATAN
But…

ME
Okay, so on to me (I hand him my prehistoric Nokia).

ME
Can I get a new phone? Or something?

CINGULAR GUY
How long have you had this one?

ME
Ages.

CINGULAR GUY
Let me look up your account…okay, yes, you’re eligible for a free upgrade after rebate.

ME
So, which phone is free?

CINGULAR GUY
Pretty much any of these (he gestures toward the majority of phones on display).

SATAN
Okay, so wait a minute. She just gets to PICK OUT A FREE PHONE?

CINGULAR GUY
She’s had her current phone for almost two years and her contract is nearly up…

SATAN
Whatever.

ME
Which phone can I download a cool ring tone on?

SATAN
And THIS is your criteria?! RING TONES?!

CINGULAR GUY
Pretty much any of them.

ME
This one is cute (looking at the Samsung)!

SATAN
(pissed)

CINGULAR GUY
Oh, also? You get two free accessories. How about a headset?

SATAN
She’s NOT getting a free headset.

CINGULAR GUY
Maybe a car charger and case?

ME
Gosh…I don’t really need any of that stuff…

SATAN
(REALLY PISSED)

ME
Let’s see…okay, go ahead and give me the charger and case.

SATAN
Jesus…

CINGULAR GUY
So, we’ll just get your new contract ready…

ME
Hey! I just remembered! I have a Cingular rebate VISA card from when I bought my son’s phone…


CINGULAR GUY
Let’s see, I could run it for you in the morning and apply it to your bill? How would that be?

ME
That would be super!

SATAN
!@# $$%%*(%#

ME
I just dread re-typing all my cell numbers into my phone. It’ll take me FOREVER.

CINGULAR GUY
(Examines my old phone.) No…looks like you’ve got a sim card here. (He pops a small card out of my old phone and into the new Samsung). Yep! All your numbers are transferred.

ME
NO WAY! Just like that?!

SATAN
FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

ME
(To the Cingular guy) He’s not mad at you (giggles).

CINGULAR GUY
(giggles)
Like I said, it’s not up to me (points again at the Cingular logo on his shirt).

SATAN
(So. Not. Laughing.)

ME
Well, I guess that’s it then! Thanks a lot!

SATAN
Oh, yes. THANKS. THANKYOUVERYMUCH. REALLY.

***

Cut to this morning, when I called the Cingular guy back to check on combining mine and my son’s bill to see if we can save a few bucks. He calls me back.

(my phone rings)

CINGULAR GUY
Suz!

ME
Dave!

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
So, looks like you and your son can save about $50/month if we combine your contracts.

ME
Really?!

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
So, how about it?

ME
Might as well! Oh, and Dave? What if we combined my husband’s contract as well—could he get a new phone?

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY & ME
(laugh hysterically)

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
The amazing thing is that your contract is up TOMORROW, which means by calling TODAY you just saved yourself eighty dollars!

ME
Why that’s super, Dave!

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
Don’t tell your husband, okay?

ME
No problem, Dave. And Dave?

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
Yah?

ME
I think I’ve changed my mind about that headset. Can I exchange my car charger for a headset after all by any chance?

DAVE
You betcha! But don’t…

ME
Don’t worry, I won’t tell him that either.