A Memorable Weekend

What have I been doing? Oh, nothing much. Jut having a festival and graduation. You?

Destiny Calling

(In the car)

SATAN
I’m stopping off at the Cingular store to see what they can do for me and my cell phone problem.

ME
Okay, maybe I’ll check about my phone too. It’s pretty old.

(In the store)

CINGULAR GUY
So…what can I do for you?

SATAN
I dropped my phone and the front screen is cracked and not working.

CINGULAR GUY
Can I see it?

SATAN
(Hands him the phone).

CINGULAR GUY
Yep, it’s broken.

SATAN
Thanks for the news flash.

CINGULAR GUY
How long have you had it?

SATAN
Six or seven months.

CINGULAR GUY
Got insurance?

SATAN
No

CINGULAR GUY
I’m afraid you’ll have to buy another phone.

SATAN
How much?

CINGULAR GUY
$300

SATAN
Okay, that’s ridiculous. So, I’m just screwed here?

CINGULAR GUY
Have you had the phone for twelve months yet?

SATAN
No, six or seven.

CINGULAR GUY
Can’t help you.

SATAN
You’ve got to be kidding me…

CINGULAR GUY
It’s really not up to me (pointing at the Cingular logo on his shirt).

SATAN
But…

ME
Okay, so on to me (I hand him my prehistoric Nokia).

ME
Can I get a new phone? Or something?

CINGULAR GUY
How long have you had this one?

ME
Ages.

CINGULAR GUY
Let me look up your account…okay, yes, you’re eligible for a free upgrade after rebate.

ME
So, which phone is free?

CINGULAR GUY
Pretty much any of these (he gestures toward the majority of phones on display).

SATAN
Okay, so wait a minute. She just gets to PICK OUT A FREE PHONE?

CINGULAR GUY
She’s had her current phone for almost two years and her contract is nearly up…

SATAN
Whatever.

ME
Which phone can I download a cool ring tone on?

SATAN
And THIS is your criteria?! RING TONES?!

CINGULAR GUY
Pretty much any of them.

ME
This one is cute (looking at the Samsung)!

SATAN
(pissed)

CINGULAR GUY
Oh, also? You get two free accessories. How about a headset?

SATAN
She’s NOT getting a free headset.

CINGULAR GUY
Maybe a car charger and case?

ME
Gosh…I don’t really need any of that stuff…

SATAN
(REALLY PISSED)

ME
Let’s see…okay, go ahead and give me the charger and case.

SATAN
Jesus…

CINGULAR GUY
So, we’ll just get your new contract ready…

ME
Hey! I just remembered! I have a Cingular rebate VISA card from when I bought my son’s phone…


CINGULAR GUY
Let’s see, I could run it for you in the morning and apply it to your bill? How would that be?

ME
That would be super!

SATAN
!@# $$%%*(%#

ME
I just dread re-typing all my cell numbers into my phone. It’ll take me FOREVER.

CINGULAR GUY
(Examines my old phone.) No…looks like you’ve got a sim card here. (He pops a small card out of my old phone and into the new Samsung). Yep! All your numbers are transferred.

ME
NO WAY! Just like that?!

SATAN
FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

ME
(To the Cingular guy) He’s not mad at you (giggles).

CINGULAR GUY
(giggles)
Like I said, it’s not up to me (points again at the Cingular logo on his shirt).

SATAN
(So. Not. Laughing.)

ME
Well, I guess that’s it then! Thanks a lot!

SATAN
Oh, yes. THANKS. THANKYOUVERYMUCH. REALLY.

***

Cut to this morning, when I called the Cingular guy back to check on combining mine and my son’s bill to see if we can save a few bucks. He calls me back.

(my phone rings)

CINGULAR GUY
Suz!

ME
Dave!

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
So, looks like you and your son can save about $50/month if we combine your contracts.

ME
Really?!

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
So, how about it?

ME
Might as well! Oh, and Dave? What if we combined my husband’s contract as well—could he get a new phone?

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY & ME
(laugh hysterically)

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
The amazing thing is that your contract is up TOMORROW, which means by calling TODAY you just saved yourself eighty dollars!

ME
Why that’s super, Dave!

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
Don’t tell your husband, okay?

ME
No problem, Dave. And Dave?

DAVE THE CINGULAR GUY
Yah?

ME
I think I’ve changed my mind about that headset. Can I exchange my car charger for a headset after all by any chance?

DAVE
You betcha! But don’t…

ME
Don’t worry, I won’t tell him that either.

The T-Shirts Arrive!

There has been alot of interest in what the festival t-shirts look like.

Today I was fortunate enough to receive a sample hot off the press and just happen to know a beautiful girl who enjoys modeling.

Sunday Stroll

We've got a little festival coming up and are a tad busy. If you know me for reals and have not yet signed up for volunteer duty, call me THIS INSTANT and get on the schedule. We're needy!

Meantime, a few images for you from our Sunday morning walk. The end picture is the last we took in San Antonio and my favorite from the trip. I assure you that we, neither of us, were the least bit drunk at the time. Also, we had not illegally smuggled beer into our hotel room without paying the corking fee and weren't, at any time that evening, seen drunkenly singing along to the "perfect Country Western song".

Further Conversations with Satan

(My cell phone rings)

ME
Hello?

SATAN
Hello?

ME
Hello?

SATAN
Hey. I’m driving back from a meeting…

ME
Hmm….

SATAN
Listing to that NPR show, you know the one, umm….

ME
All Things Considered?

SATAN
No.

ME
Fresh Breeze?

SATAN
No.

ME
Okay, don’t know.

SATAN
Anyway, they’re talking about blogs.

ME
Yah?

SATAN
And, it’s a big deal.

ME
What is?

SATAN
What you write. Professionally, I mean.

ME
Like this is news to me? Anyway. I don’t write about work. Ever.

SATAN
No, you just call me SATAN!

ME
And?

SATAN
People could take that the wrong way.

ME
But, obviously, it’s meant to be humorous.

SATAN
ANYONE could read it and take it the wrong way.

ME
Like I said, I thought about all this sort of thing before I started. I don’t write about work or…

SATAN
BUT, not everybody THINKS like YOU.

ME
So, what, someone is going to get offended because YOU DON’T LIKE BANGS?

SATAN
NO, someone is going to read “SATAN” and assume I’m sacrificing BABY BUNNIES in the BACK YARD…

ME
You mean you’ve quit?

SATAN
(click)

Rhyme Time (Run....run for your lives!!!)

FurGirl is better
but I’m still a mess

I haven’t watched Wheel
in, like, two weeks, more or less.

I should write more often
but that's not my style.

Don’t give up on me please
I’ll be back in a while

Monday Minutia

Just when you think the internet has nothing to offer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Jesus Cheetoh

Yes, friends, Jesus has taken time off from his busy schedule of dealing with war, famine, and pestilence, sitting at the throne of god and whatnot, and wrought a miracle in Dorothy’s bag of Cheetohs. Hallelujah brothers and sisters! Can you say aMEN?! I knew ya could!

I am, perhaps, less surprised than anyone by such an occurrence as alert readers will recall that I myself have experienced a miracle in my very own family room. Although, it’s not as surprising to me as to other people (Satan) that the Virgin enjoys a little “Wheel” now and again.

And now, I’m afraid, on to less joyous news. It pains me to report that our poor FurGirl has returned from her local vacation accommodations somewhat less than her old self.

It all started well enough. I dropped her at the local kennel the day before we left for vacation on April 13th. Housed in a double-run and looking confused but nonetheless excited when I last saw her, FurGirl appeared much the same when I went to pick her up on the 27th.

As I led a spastically excited FurGirl to the car while talking to the Dog Lady (kennel owner), I noticed that upon reaching a patch of grass, the dog immediately squatted to pee. As the Dog Lady crooned to FurGirl that she was “her favorite baby”, I loaded her (the dog, of course) into my passenger seat, and commanded her to “sit” (which she mostly did).

On the drive home, as FurGirl panted in and goobered on my car from excitement, I noticed she smelled a little strange, and not just normal dog-stinky strange, but like she may have had a bath. Which was curious, I thought. Closer to home (a short drive from the kennel), FurGirl started to whine, and I could tell she desperately needed to potty again. Given her seemingly desperate need to pee just a few minutes earlier, I wondered at that time to myself if she’d been adequately toileted while I was away.

I however quickly forgot my concern once we were home and everything seemed back to normal.

That was Thursday. Since Satan and I were tired from the trip, neither of us took her for a long walk until Saturday when Satan took her out. It was then that he noticed poor FurGirl squatting to pee much more than usual. After a time, he realized that, although she was squatting, she wasn’t getting any results (as in—nothing coming out). He kept this info to himself until Sunday, when we were walking her together and then pointed out the problem to me.

Poor FurGirl was squatting every ten or fifteen yards or so and actually shaking with the effort of trying to go, to no avail.

A hundred different horrifying scenarios as to what terrible fate may have befallen our poor FurGirl at the kennel while I was away immediately began leaping to mind.

“Do you suppose she’s been….violated?”, I asked Satan

“Violated"?, he said.

“Yes, violated by God! By some strange mutt with a nasty case of the doggy gock”, I said, picturing a Francis Farmer scene that included a terrified defenseless crouching FurGirl and a snarling, vicious Rotweiller.

“Nah”, he said.

“Yah, you’re probably right”, I said, relieved.

“She’s probably going to die though”, he said calmly. “And, let’s face it, it’ll be all your fault” he added, as we both watched, for the umpteenth time, poor FurGirl squatting and shaking at the corner of 5th and Broadway. “After all, it was YOUR idea to take her to that kennel”, he reminded me.

“Don’t try to reassure assure me,” I said. “Really. Don’t try”, I repeated as a yet again squatting and shaking (but not peeing) FurGirl looked at me forlornly.

Cut to this morning, when I was up bright and early and on the phone with the vet’s office at the stroke of eight a.m. (Retriever! Shaking! Not peeing! Kennel! Attack!).

They told me to bring her right over.

Once in the examining room, I explained the situation to the vet. “Do you suppose,” I asking cringingly, “that something…well…AWFUL happened to poor Furgirl at the kennel”?

The vet looked at me uncomprehendingly for a moment and then said, “Oh, ahem, probably not, more likely she didn’t get to pee as often as she’s used to and developed an infection.”

***

I've just spoken to the vet and, still unable to get a urine sample from her, they are keeping poor FurGirl overnight.

All kidding aside, I'm a little worried.