Thursday, March 02, 2006

Home for the Holidays

Well, I’m back. Sorry about the unscheduled unannounced hiatus. But, it really couldn’t be helped. It’s been a little hard for me to get back into the habit of posting. A wise person recently suggested it might be a case of needing to just plunge right back on in and get started.

So here I am. Hi, how ya been?

The truth is, we’ve had a bit of an Incident. Normally, I wouldn’t share such personal details of my life here on the inner (or outer) net, but I know the only people who read this are close, concerned family and friends, so I’ve decided to go ahead and write about the recent goings on in my life.

As most of you are aware, my husband, Satan, is a little high strung. A little tense. A little mean. And, really, it isn’t all just peaches and pitchforks being Satan. It’s work. WORK, I tell you. The world sometimes conspires against you. There are many, MANY things that annoy Satan. Irritate him. That, on a daily basis, drive him absolutely batsh*t. Here’s just a partial list:

Barbara Barrie
Vulture Neck
Reality TV
Not Enough Socks (less than 10 available pairs)
Raw Tortillas
Fat Back
Gummy White Bread
Golden Girls
Weak Coffee
Bad Sheets
Wheel of Fortune
Small Towels
Peter Frampton
Horizontal Stripes
Kentucky Driving
Cooked Carrots
Cheap Shoes
Unacceptable Architecture
John Travolta

Did I mention this is just a partial list? Yah. So, you can only imagine how difficult life can become when you’re annoyed by things like nostrils and John Travolta. I mean, they’re everywhere, right? So, when Barbara Barrie suddenly and without warning cropped up as a recurring guest star on his favorite TV show, Satan—let’s just say—had ENOUGH.

And, people, can I just take a moment? Thank GOD for insurance at times like these! At a point when we really didn’t know where to turn, we found our insurance would actually cover a much needed stay at the Shady Restful Acres Center for Rejuvanitive Regressed Rebirth. Most of you are probably familiar with the SRACRRR and the important strides they’ve made in the field of rebirthing therapy. For those of you who aren’t, the process was developed back in the seventies and is relatively simple: regress the patient back to the point of their actual birth, have them relive it, and then emerge with a clean slate unfettered by their past problems and prejudices (i.e., Peter Frampton, beige, etc.). Essentially, “reborn”.

After consulting with Satan’s two sons and his ex-wife (who’s initial suggestion was tossing him off the bluffs at Columbus Park, an idea I rejected outright until AT LEAST April), it was decided that Satan should head for the SRACRRR immediately.

I must admit, I did have a twinge of misgiving has I watched him toddle toward the boarding gate to the plane with nothing in his backpack save Jello treats (for the plane ride), a Big Chief Tablet, a number 2 pencil, and clean underpants (all the SRACRRR will allow). I mean, what if the towels at the SRACRRR are too small, for God’s sake! WHAT THEN?! What if they try to feed him COOKED CARROTS?

But it was too late for second thoughts. Satan was winging his way toward the SRACRRR. And, much like rehab, I would not be allowed to have contact with him for at least two weeks while he underwent the process, except for any letter he might choose to write me on his Big Chief Tablet with his Number 2 pencil. When I arrived back home from the airport, the coming two weeks stretched before me like a yawning, lonely, desolate black hole. And then I remembered I had a gift certificate to my local day spa. When I emerged hours later, freshly massaged and facialed, I felt like I myself had actually been reborn. Only cuter and with a French manicure this time.

A few days later while eating bon-bons, watching Wheel of Fortune, and guessing the puzzle HOURS before the actual contestants, I noticed FurGirl chewing on an envelope that she hadn’t had earlier. It turned out to be Satan’s first communication from the SRACRRR that had been dropped in the mail slot. After the big money puzzle, I opened the envelope to find a limp, crumpled, sweat stained sheet of Big Chief Tablet paper with the word “help” printed shakily in Number 2 Pencil in the bottom left-hand corner.

Could this mean there’s a problem I asked myself?

Nah, probably not, I decided, tossing FurGirl a bon-bon which she caught in mid-air with a snap and wolfed down in one enthusiastic swallow. “Probably tried to feed him a raw tortilla”, I said to FurGirl who rolled her eyes and nodded as we settled in to watch another re-run of “Clean Sweep”.

It was another few days later that I received a call from Satan’s doctor at the SRACRRR. It seems Satan’s regression process had hit a bit of a snag. It had started off rocky to begin with when his first breakfast was served to him with a cup of coffee that was unacceptably weak. A terrible outburst ensued which ended with traumatized orderlies cowering in corners and an entire kitchen crew sobbing uncontrollably. It took three shock treatments (the most of any SRACRRR patient) until he would drink his coffee quietly. “Get to the point”, I told the doctor (I was late for a highlight and blow-out).

And that’s when I got the bad news. Satan, it seems, had, after the shock treatments, gone dutifully about his therapy process and ultimately been placed in the rebirthing chamber. Trouble is? He won’t come out. Just flat refuses to be “reborn”. Has decided he likes it in there. He is, by all accounts, perfectly happy where he is and he has decided he’ll just go on and stay, thankyouverymuch. The problem is, the SRACRRR has a long waiting list and a limited number of available rebirthing chambers. As Satan happily whiles away the hours in what he now considers to be his own personal chamber, some poor soul in SERIOUS PAIN is not getting the treatment they so desperately need. Would I, the doctor wanted to know, fly out to the SRACRRR and try and talk him into completing the rebirthing process by actually emerging from his birthing chamber?

And, you know I would, I really, really, REALLY would, if I weren’t just so completely busy right now! I mean, seriously. There are several important matters I simply MUST be tending to.

This morning, I received an e-mail from the SRACRRR with a picture of Satan in his current state attached. I think the SRACRRR is trying to make me feel guilty, but seriously, Satan looks happier than I’ve seen him in YEARS.

Heck, YOU be the judge:

One thing's for certain, if he isn't outta there by December, I'M GOING DOWN THERE BY GOD! I simply one-hundred percent insist that he be home for the holidays.


Suz said...

Oh, honey, you have been through the wringer with all of that.

I agree, you need to get him outta there and back home in time for the holidays, that is just NO time to be alone at home, much less having to scramble around and dig up make-do escorts to all the parties. Oh, and better check with the Center by mid-November at the latest to see if he's lost or gained weight, you want to be sure at least one good suit and a dinner jacket are going to fit him - unless his tailor can manage those last-minute alterations after he gets home and all.

I do appreciate all that I've learned from reading this and I appreciate that you posted all those details about the rebirth center and everything.

But I am wondering, did you get one of those facials with just a bit of alpha hydroxy peel involved? And was that one of those Shiatsu massages, or a deal where they use hot rocks on you?

Because I also have a gift certificate for one of those spa day thingies and I'm just having so much trouble picking my choices from their list.

Except for the French manicure, of course. That's always a good selection.

Anyway, best wishes for dragging Satan back home. Just remember that in order to be there for him, you have to take care of you, too. I know you've been so busy, I just hope you haven't forgotten to schedule your next highlight session. I just hate it when I do that and have to make do with some really inconvenient appointment time.

(PS: I know we have the same username here in blogland, but for anybody else reading this, we are two different people, OK?)

(PPS: Your post is the funniest damn thing I have read in a long long time. More! More! More!)

Tea and Books, etc said...

I second Suz's (Suz at Large) request for more, please!

*pitiful Oliver Twist look* :-)